Category: Parenting

Children, General, Mindfulness l, Parenting

Thrust on TRUST

growingupmatters

“I am letting you take my lovely back pack only because you insist, but if you ruin it, you watch out!”. Of course, said in a mild jestful tone, but somewhere after saying this, I started doubting my own trust in my kid! At most, my child ruining/ losing/ misplacing my bag is what it could be, but not trusting him enough surely is not getting anywhere either! I have sometimes felt the the lack of this word is not so much in their minds as much as it’s in us grown – ups!

Trust developed early on sure has its benefits! Their minds are a blank slate when they enter schools . As far as the school system is concerned, their first words/ instructions given to them have to be trusted else very soon dependency kicks in. All but is not known about situations panning out, systems working the way we wish to, behaviours we expect and more of these; what really keeps it going is our trust in all of this! Our sixth sense is rather strong on many things, the rest can be safely tucked away in a neat packet called TRUST. If it’s otherwise, it’s only really causing us displeasure.

When my kids embarked on their little hobby journeys, I started off by trusting their instincts and taking it further to the hands who were involved with them, namely their teachers. Not every story is a happy one but by and large, it does pay off in the larger scheme. When trust was entrusted on them, their confidence too showed an upward trend. As tomorrow is not known ,moving on with the utmost confidence and trust in the way things are, of course exercising caution when need be ( trust in God but lock your car!) is the way I make peace with myself.

I may be foolhardy in trusting them with careful handling of precious bric-a-bracs and letting them play around with objects like balls, racquets etc. in the house but then so far, it has been rather ok I guess . Sometime , someday, I may get ugly on this! It’s rather important to let them know about you trusting them! Giving them the responsibility with many first- time experiences, complete faith in their understanding of situations in their own limited ways, letting them resolve their own issues etc. can be a good trustworthy way forward for them to face the world.

Beingmommy, Children, Mindfulness l, Parenting

Mantra for mammas!

growingupmatters

Mommies, time out for yourself to stop and smell the roses!! A direction which would translate into beautiful blossoms where the kids are concerned. The mantra which we all know works for SURE!! It’s our confidence in this truth which needs to be reinforced time and again.

A good degree of self – neglect on our part has an affect not just on our own well -being but this sure comes in the way of raising children, specifically when the onus is , for most parts, on an individual called mommy. The routine is by and large a great leveller for getting past the dailies. In this, what I have experienced gets forgotten is to pause in the midst of the daily chores and take some time out. Here, merely taking time out in spending time outside the house only does the trick partly. Much rather , at times, it seems all too contrived! It’s a temporary feeling of well being, at least for me. Also, leafing through the daily papers/ current read or engaging in wholesome entertainment provided by the media giants is again time involvement. For the mind to generally reflect on one’s behaviour and to make timely necessary changes ,what has really rejuvenated is pondering amidst the chaos, self – checks on repeated patterns and constantly working ways in the mind to plug the gaps. Kids are high demand material and they are capable of sapping a good bit of our physical as well as mental energies. What balances the equation is self reflection with a generous dose of self kindness. Somehow, if this becomes a way of life, as routine as unconscious breathing, we truly can feel good about life. Difficult but possible.

Much has been written about this in the Zen Buddhism, Sufi teachings, daily gratitude tips, kind words/ thoughts first thing in the mornings etc. etc. If reflected upon them with a thoughtful mind, these sure add flavour to our days and hence our childrens’. I am trying to teach my two the path to this in my own ways . Sometimes it pays, more often I hear rants like ” I will wreck so and so ” dating back to a grimace of yesterday, day before yesterday, day day before yesterday and more such back dated issues. Moving and marching on with self -reflection is sure not a cake- walk but a gentle one, it sure can be!!

Children, General, Mindfulness l, Parenting

Verdict- guilty!

growingupmatters

Guilt pangs is all but natural in this exciting journey of raising kids. It manifests itself in many ways, both for us parents as well as our kids. Whilst guilt can be a part in the repertoire of my many feelings , something which has to be stuck with and fully endorsed is not losing my faith in motherhood. That’s certainly not nice!

The rules are all well known, implementation and that too timely is what the challenge is. It’s well documented not to raise your voice in front of their peers, not to spank them in public, not to yell our lungs out for personal inability to cope with situations and the many other not to’s. I have failed in all and more of these mentioned, not once, but several times and have slept with that very painfully nagging feeling. My counts are surely going south and this is where my faith stands strong!

The other day, my son very enthusiastically palmed of a currency bill in my hand. Without my questioning, I was told that this is the money he accidentally took from my wallet. I sense a good bit of guilt from him on this one but am also pleased at his self realisation. We really haven’t got deep in this ( the mother -son owe one another some notes here and there) and my benefit of doubt has kicked in this first time. It shall be duly addressed should I see a repeated pattern but as of now happy to note that the guilt has registered in a positive manner. Then again, when sibling rivalry kicks in my abode, I hear guilty pleas from either- or after the matter has been quelled. This sure doesn’t come instantly but hindsight thinking brings it out and that too endorses my faith.

We all mere mortals experience this guilt feeling in our daily existence right from binging on that extra slice of pizza or, in my case sneakily stealing the rightful owners’ chocolate. One way to look at this is feel guilty and do nothing about it, yet another one is to realise this and try and plug the pattern. The only feeling that pushes us to move on is the one of self realisation and as long as this value is in our kids, we are home!

Beingmommy, Children, Parenting

The many questions and answers!

growingupmatters

Now I actually see it coming !! Can sense it and feel it with my older one..a natural progression from a little boy to a little grown up boy! And here is when all the questioning begins!

Schools are doing their bit in sensitising them to the imminent changes; what is really interesting, is to see how this is lapped up by them and how it is verbally transmitted. For the start, when these obvious changes were brought to their understanding, it was , I would say, the ease of expressing the terminology that caught me in a bit of a ” oh really!? ” kind of situation. It’s not that I was not expecting it, but when when the spoken sounds rather outspoken, it jolts you for a bit. The ease with the flow of many medical terms at dinner table conversations had to be explained explicitly for appropriate usage , both in time and context. My 8 year old was lapping all the information prematurely and the so called healthy exchange of crucial information quite turned out to be a tad bit too outspoken! I had to intervene, not to curb their curiosity, but to highlight the timely and measured usage of certain anatomies. It’s quite a queer feeling to hear, Are my testicles hurting or is my penis behaving???!!!

We grew up in times where this transition was understood in each ones’ own personal capacity. In that, half baked and piecemeal bits were gathered from here and there. As the advice from experts in this field today strongly suggests addressing the child’s curiosity as and when it’s aroused , the right and probably the only way to address this is with complete preciseness.  Most of us are in sync with this and also act in accordance with this norm, which in my mind should be the ideal case scenario.The openness today sure gets one to hear things more and, at times, its actually quite hilarious to hear the once little mouths speaking as a matter of fact! My two got into an exchange of choicest words amidst general banter and my role as a moderator ( as always!) kicked in sooner than otherwise!

The many hats one needs to wear to raise kids! Also, changing with changing times is the only option to get past one phase from the other. On and all, growing times for us folks too, and now the challenge for us is not just keep pace with them but exercise our minds more and faster to keep up with the demands of growing up!

Howgrowingupmatters as a name sure seems befitting for all of us there!

Beingmommy, Children, Parenting

One or two at a time

growingupmatters

The rush for teaching all and more to the kids while they are small is all so very etched in possibly every parents’ grain. Demand overshoots supply for the lot out there who have made a brilliant business model out of kids ! The newer and ” first time ever” ideas in the name of empowering children is almost the norm for the so called hobby centres. In some cases, there sure is novelty in the concepts, but largely it is all designed to keep the kids busy and away from home.

I have consciously missed the bus rush where my children are concerned. My ride has been very slow! In my humble opinion, a good start is to channelise your kid into something he or she enjoys and this has to be largely gauged by folks at home. A moot question here is if the waters have not been tested , how does one know this? A chicken and egg story is but evident, at the same time, small doses of the spread available can be administered to them. It’s natural for them not to like all that is offered but over a few trials, somewhere the gut comes into force for all of us to steer our own buses! It’s only fair to keep it going but not overdoing the part in “too much too soon“!The journey has to be made more exciting than the final destination. Almost each time, the formula for success is slow but hopefully will come through eventually.

My formula, rather the mix for my two , has been a combination of a sport and a culture dose introduced in tandem. They have been consistent in their endeavours so far. I can also label this as lazy bodies slow to try out all that is out there , but I prefer this route over rushed and busy schedules. It’s nice to let them go at their pace. My only steady and rather constant feed are encouraging words! So far the journey has been good and we will explore new domains with age and time.

Beingmommy, Children, Mindfulness l, Parenting

Mum, not NOW! LATER please!

growingupmatters

Hear these words ever so often!!

The thought to push away things for tomorrow is such a tempting option. I do this many a times in various contexts. To expect kids to act promptly and on time is a struggling battle, definitely to be won some day, some time, though there is this hidden wish that the sooner the better! At this stage, I feel I still have some more travel left on this particular journey !!

There is this strong urge to resist work, be it of the household nature or even the small expectation from their revered teachers at school. The last minute jerk is what is liked, like it or not! Disciplining them with the benefits of NOW to get to a better tomorrow is my best bet. I know and we all know that. Work at school assigned with a longer shelf life is almost  consumed on the last day before expiry! All days prior to that resonates with , not now, later! Small tasks like putting away the scattered mess is deferred very politely and conveniently. My experiments with certain foods also gets similar response! Here, it’s slightly different in the sense that mom’ s efforts in the kitchen and refusal to sample is handled a bit more gently ! ( at least the guilt bit is learnt by now!). Sometimes, my two speak and justify the later bit so convincingly, I almost feel wrapped deep inside multi layers of sweet talk!!

Till such time we take the uncalled for mommy stress upon us for them doing their work on time, this fight and long tirades with them would continue. Having said that, the control we exercise today slipping away sooner than we think is also not a happy thought! Therefore, the continuos fight! In most cases, eventually the work , be it school assignments, cupboard clearing, sorting papers and the likes does get through, the wish of them acting when we have commanded is what the strive is all about!

The NOW teaching has to be now! else as years are added, complexities also multiply and the reasonings for deference will only go up. Small but meaningful learnings at pre – teen stage will hopefully go a long way. Very soon, I see myself developing an all- together different approach to get my point across. They too are plotting plans similarly so it will be fun to see who wins or much rather am  hoping for a win- win situation for all, lest the losers ego takes a hit, something deeply avoidable!!

Children, Parenting

And when friends leave…

growingupmatters

It’s hard for anyone to say goodbyes..harder still, when one’s daily pals relocate, move schools or leave the city..with them goes a piece of you and memories are what remain.

The past 2 months have seen about 4 such instances for my kids! The days prior to leaving seem to be their most precious moments. Every waking hour is spent either thinking about your pal or making efforts to maximise on the physical time spent with them. Inching closer to the dates gets them to make those oh so lovely picture cut outs, cards, small baubles and everything else which the friend likes. The cut, copy and paste activities are in full swing. It’s heart rendering to see their love come out in so many forms..my emotional taps almost start leaking when I see those creatives which tomorrow will adorn the walls and cupboards of their friends new setup.

Here, technology has really come to their rescue! While there is no replacement to the physical being, the periodic activities are always mapped by way of whatsapp, Skype and the other interactive media. It does quell their minds but somewhere I keep hearing the silent if- only’s, what- if’s , buts etc.! No matter how easy the connections have become, it doesn’t and cannot come a close parallel to actually actually a personal exchange of thoughts, words and emotions.

In all of this, I am certain of their resilience and adaptability!!

Very soon and probably sooner than I wish, they will charter new domains, establish new friendships and move on. It’s us adults who find it tough to build new connections because of the heavy minds and loads we carry thereof, but with kids, I only see hope and more hope in all their doings!

I am too missing the everyday familiarity but here it’s my job to ensure their smooth transition from one to the other and try and make their memories with their pals even more memorable! I just snail mailed a rather big piece of paper card with all sorts of endearing names, scrawls, colours , pastings etc. and I hope to continue doing this as and when the request comes along!! It’s the least I can do!

Children, General, Parenting

Agreed no place like home, but…

growingupmatters

There’s no place like home sweet home!! Well known, well felt ! Inside this bubble wrap, life is bliss for most of us.

The little smarties have always a way with things, not willing to accompany their folks to places where their friends are missing in action or simply not wanting to take a step out of their comfort zone if there is a slightest suspicion about the place in their minds or even the people! While their feeling rather comfortable in their set up is lovely and something all of us love and can relate to, the forced push out of their cocoons may be a good push towards new learnings.

We adults have witnessed this in many forms in their lives. The more one is away from his cozy zone, the more adjustments are learnt. The more one is exposed to newer foods, the wider the palate becomes. Pushing ourselves out of our zones to newer domains have only enriched our experiences! We probably need to give our minds a big whack when thoughts like ” oh, they may get bored!”, ” they may not like the food”, ” what’s in there for them” etc. creep in.

Kids have an immense tendency for adaptability and we must let them experience some not- so- comfortable situations. I have also noticed that some pre conceived, pre felt notions associated with road/ plane travels, specific food mindsets, the can have/ can’t have lists, the can do/ can’t do things fade away way faster when the exposure levels are higher. In other words, when the little ones are made to do things outside of their comfort zones, they sometimes actually surprise us!

So, it’s absolutely ok on our part if we sometimes , out of necessity or out of choice,drag them to places where they are likely to experience boredom. It just might make them a bit more adaptable to people, places and things around and the ever so important social quotient may also go up! You may be scorned upon and given the “not good mommy today ” tag so be it!

Children, General, Parenting

PICK ME UP!

growingupmatters

My take is if you really want your child to do/ experience /read something, make it so readily accessible for them that they see it all around and because it’s there there, there are higher chances of them going for it! My big reference here is the oh so lovely habit of reading in kids, something which is slowly fading away. Since this happens to be a rather important element of vocabulary building, it needs to be reinforced time and again and somehow included in their daily routine list.

Summer break is a great time to reintroduce this habit( if it’s not already one) simply because there is a good bit of free time available . The long, hot and lazy days can be well spent with the many titles and authors they’ve heard of from their dear friends, their great breed of peers and of course our preferred authors can also be squeezed in . Once they are in sight, chances of they going through them may be higher. Basically, if they see the good old Enid Blytons, Hardy boys , Malory towers etc. on their shelves, they are likely to pick them up! The neighbourhood library does serve the purpose but to stock up on ones own page turners is a wonderful feeling. The ownership of any thing gives one a far bigger high than borrowed stuff, more so if the titles are to be read and re read many times over.

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Summer holidays are also the time to pull out all those hidden card games, those scrap books, the half done needlework, those cut and paint and make your own chimes, fridge magnets, bead jewellery etc etc. The minute these objects are seen, the activity triggers reignite and holidays are well spent, both in terms of time and pleasure! It’s easy accessibility that drives the kids. Out of sight is truly out of mind for them. So, while I have things strewn around everywhere, I look at it as time and imagination well spent. It is messy and scattered, but am ok with it as long as the neatly tucked away stuff is put to use. The slow and easy days seem lighter and calmer and with kids around at home during their break, one really couldn’t ask for anything more!!

General, Parenting

Blending digital and hands on hobbies

growingupmatters

The ICE age is the age our children are born into ! Now, that’s a fact. Technology is pacing and so are they with them. Manoeuvring around any gadget is their forte and quickly figuring out information from these devices is something that they love! Notice how readily they volunteer to pull out information and how quickly they get the know how about any subject under the moon!

In this superhighway that their lives are, digital hobbies are almost a done thing. Kindles are everywhere ( if this really rekindles their reading habits would be great though!) then, checking live scores, streaming live music, complete and more knowledge about new cool stuff on YouTube, and other such digital and easy formatted tools are engaging their free hours. There is a request to go over to a friends place to PLAY PLAY with the X boxes, PlayStations etc. There is just NO ESCAPE!

It’s nice if we can somehow manage to squeeze in some hands-on hobbies in their digitalised minds. That’s something that they ought to DO DO. Learning to play a musical instrument is one such joyous hobby which my son pursues. It’s an absolute delight to hear those keys come alive with those finger movements! Another immensely creative hobby is one that starts with most kids with those coloured and shaped blocks . With some kids, like my little one, it carries on in the form of LEGO and it’s something that engages her mind for hours on end. It’s absolutely wonderful to see the creativity coming out in different forms and shapes and the imagination growing with it! Any physical sport / activity pursued by them today will always be there for them tomorrow.

Going forward , along with their digital pursuits, lets also blend in some good old pastimes like reading from touch and feel books, playing outdoors, exploratory trips with nature, unstructured free play at home, creative usage of redundant supplies , enough and more usage of art supplies and stationary and other such rather simple self created innovative hobbies in their schedules!

Digital world is already THEIR world, still, in small measures if we can reminisce our growing up years with them,we would feel wonderful!